It is difficult to talk about love
“What the world needs now is love, sweet love”
So sings Will Young, to an amazing backdrop of melting ice caps, stranded polar bears, diving whales and burning forests. It’s fine for nature and babies and love stories. But why is it so difficult to talk about love at work, or in politics?
I remember one wet November evening in London a number of years ago. I was seated in the private room of a bustling restaurant, with a dozen senior, regional NHS Trust leaders, at the end of a development programme I’d been involved in delivering. A special guest from the Department of Health joined us for the celebratory meal. I was seated close to him and we got into a discussion about the purpose of the NHS and the values that formed it. I distinctly recall the air temperature drop below zero when I said to him, “Well, it’s all about love isn’t it”.
A cold stare. A bumbling, mumbling response into his soup. He clearly didn’t appreciate my use of that word…..love.
Foolishly I persisted.
“At the heart of all that the NHS does is care, show compassion, listen, show empathy, healing, respect of everyone….love is the word we typically use to sum up all these values and actions”.
He still didn’t like me using the word love. It wasn’t corporate.
“Why is it so difficult to use the word love in the work place?” I asked and followed with the reflection, “I’m assuming you tell your partner and children that you love them. You presumably use the word there?”
The conversation was over. He turned away and chose to join in other conversations less controversial. I probably hadn’t handled it as well as I could have, but the question bugged me then and it still bugs me now. Not just for ‘those leaders over there’, but for me, as a leader, right here and now. I struggle to use that word too.
We call it ‘the elephant in the room’, when we don’t talk about something that is blatantly obvious, but too disruptive to name. We can now talk about empathy and Brene Brown has made it ok for us to use the word vulnerability (even if we still don’t practice it). We can use the words like respect, equality, justice and duty of care. But we can’t talk about love. It isn’t a module on MBA’s, or Executive Development programmes. We can’t ask, ‘does this leader love her or his team?’; ‘Does this teacher love his or her pupils?’; ‘Does this leader love his or her line-reports, or employees?’
I have been in a few teams who, when asked about their boss, have said, “he would take bullets for me”.
Isn’t that love?
I heard someone say recently of her boss, “She really cares for us. She is tough but she is totally on our side. Privately she supports and challenges, but whenever we are presenting something for the team, or come under criticism, she is ruthless in her commitment to us. She always has our back”.
Isn’t that love?
Diversity? Inclusion? Isn’t that about love?
So, what is it about the word that makes us shy away from using it in the market place? The Greeks didn’t just have one word for love. Yes, there is high octane, dangerous, eros love. But there is Phileo love (brotherly love or friendship), Storge love (affection) and Agape love (reaching out beyond ourselves). So, what are we embarrassed about? Is it because love is very personal? But aren’t good working relationships personal? Love is friendship? But aren’t great friendships forged in the workplace too? Love is affection? But don’t we hold genuine affection for some of those we work with? Is it a man-macho thing? Just as ‘grown men don’t cry’ (we can use the word vulnerability, but struggle to display it), is it that heterosexual males don’t use the love-word because its too feminine? Do we fear the gender lines are greyer than we’d feel comfortable with? But I also don’t hear women use the word often in the market place. Is that because men still control the narrative at work? Encouragingly brave women, like Jacinda Arden, New Zealand’s Prime Minister, is breaking the silence.
“It takes courage and strength to be empathic and I’m very proudly an empathetic and compassionate leader. I am trying to chart a different path and that will attract criticism, but I can only be true to myself and the form of leadership I believe in.
She didn’t quite use the L word, but I can feel it coming.
Let’s come at it from a different direction. Leadership guru Simon Sinek has won over the leadership world with his ‘get to the Why’. What is the meaningful purpose for your organisation (and life)? Brene Brown has said that there is no excellent leadership without the courage for vulnerability. The guru on all thing Meaningful, was Viktor Frankl. His extreme suffering in losing everyone and everything he loved in the death camp Auschwitz, led to his seminal work, Mans Search for Meaning - in Sinek’s language ‘Mans search for their deepest Why?’ In a time when all leaders are asking how can I find our ‘Why’? and how can I liberate the full potential of my workforce? and how can we release everyone’s best contribution? Frankl concludes this,
“Love is the ultimate, highest goal to which man can aspire……Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the innermost core of their personality.…..No one can become fully aware of another human being unless he/she loves them……….Love sees that potential in him/her, which is not yet actualised, but yet ought to be actualised”
Love does this. Only love does this.
So, maybe if we really are serious in wanting to liberate the full potential, the full contribution in ourselves as leaders, as well as those we work with…..maybe, it’s time to talk about love. Maybe, if we want to truly humanise the workplace and embrace diversity and inclusion…….maybe we need to start with the conversation about love.