Every Male A Mentor
Please read to the end if possible, because I have a question for you.
In March 2025 the Centre for Social Justice (CSJ), published their arresting research paper entitled, Lost Boys[2]. In 1904 JM Barrie wrote a play called, The Lost Boys, which then became an integral part of his most famous work, Peter Pan. It was decades before it dawned on me why the idea of the lost boys held so much resonance for me personally. One of the sobering facts in the CSJ report was learning that a boy is more likely to own a Smart Phone, than have a father living with them at home.
Last month Gareth Southgate brought this report to our attention through his inspiring talk at this year’s Dimbleby Lecture[3]. Screeching in on the heels of both the report and the talk came the Netflix drama, Adolescence[4]. If ever there was a perfect storm of a wake-up call, it was this issue of the lost boys of our generation, these three events left us staring down the barrel of a gun.
Who are the lost boys? We are talking here about boys with absent fathers; fathers lost through early death, divorce, or who are simply the absent-present. Those who have zero engagement with their sons, ranging from severe physical or emotional violence, all the way through to unengaged passivity. I remember my father absented himself with his most frequently uttered words, “I’m just the lodger round here”. The oft quoted phrase, ‘No one at home’ can be both a tragic physical reality and an emotional loss. In the last words of the final powerful episode of the Adolescence drama series, we hear the grief ridden father saying, “I could have done better”. What we see, through his words, is his broken-hearted grief at waking up too late to his absence and abdication of engaging in the vital, adolescent years of his son. The drama reveals the worst of outcomes of fatherlessness, but there are many variations of outcomes that may not be so dramatic, yet still share the same dynamics of Jamie’s life.
Fatherlessness creates lost boys. The result is a void, a wound, within the child – a father loss, unseen but, like a slow release carcinogenic pill, wreaks destructive consequences over a life time. I was speaking recently at a book club about my book, Thresholds[5], and at one point I think I shocked the audience by saying that Donald Trump and I have something in common. Father loss. You work at healing it, or the wound takes over your life.
I was 19 years old when I first felt seen by a few strong, inspiring, caring, male role-models, but I could easily have gone in a more dangerous direction. Gangs, drugs and mobile phones were not tapping on my door. While working in South Africa with Emerging Leaders[6] I was invited into a maximum-security prison full of murderers and men with life sentences. Men, who themselves had been lost boys, had been easily plucked by the gangs, because it was their first taste of belonging and being seen. I have been privileged to have had some diamond quality elders and mentors in my life. These have been men who saw me, got me, role-modelled to me, inspired me, counselled me, challenged and supported me along the way. Every male should have a mentor from youth.
I believe this to the core of my being.
Of course, every female should have a mentor too. I can only address the issue as a man and know that better men will be the best investment that men can make to benefit women. There is a real issue of mother-wounds as well as father ones. Everyone needs someone who sees them. In a scene from the second episode of Adolescence, where the investigating officer and his female detective partner are walking away from Jamie’s school, she poignantly describes the challenge of her own adolescence.
He asks her,
“How did you survive then?’
And she replies,
“I had a good teacher. Mrs Benton. She was f**ing class. All kids need is one thing that makes them feel good about themselves…that’s it”
It reminded me of a conversation I had last year with an ex MP and ex international rugby player who said to me, “My dad never saw me…but my grandad did….he saved my life”.
So, here is my question.
How can we inspire every adult male of good heart and character to be a mentor to a few young males? And how do we build into those same young men the belief and commitment to also be mentors to other younger men? I’ve seen it work in Africa with two different organisations.
Every male a mentor.
It’s a big idea.
It needs to be a movement, not just an organisation. A movement with safe guardrails. It should be part of the narrative we grow up with.
Let me illustrate…
There’s no reason why a 17-year-old can’t mentor a 14-year-old about their journey through subject choices and exams.
There’s no reason why an ex pupil can’t mentor current pupils.
There is no reason why graduates can’t mentor 6th formers.
There’s no reason why every new employee can’t be mentored by a recent employee AND a more experienced employee.
There’s no reason why the guys at the gym can’t be mentors to 2- 3 other younger men.
There’s no reason why leaders can’t be mentored by elders.
There is no reason why every ‘retired’ man can’t be a mentor to those in their circle and community.
I’ve been giving it some thought … a lot of thought, as to how Every Male A Mentor could work. I might even put some of those thoughts on my website soon.
But what do you think?
If this has any resonance with you, I’m going to set up an open zoom call in the next month with whoever wants to join in and think this through a little further.
Let me know and maybe, just maybe, we can do something for the lost boys.
So, let me know if you are interested and then I will set up the group call.
Feel free to pass this on to others you think will be interested in this conversation.
Thank you for engaging.
Trevor
April 2025
[1] I have used the word male, rather than ‘man’ because of the many sensitivities about masculinity and what it means to be a man in the current debate
[2] Lost Boys Centre For Social Justice 2025
[3] Gareth Southgate Dimbleby lecture March 2025
[4] Adolescence Netflix
[5] Trevor Waldock Thresholds Amazon 2024
[6] www.emerging-leaders.net